You may know me from my occasional bits of guest writing on the Love Motorhoming blog. With no travel to report on I decided that this was a good time to write some posts of my own. Rest assured you’ll get a different view of the world from me … I see it from a maximum height of 45cm and that gives me a whole new perspective.

I am a male pedigree miniature poodle and like all my breed I am known for my intelligence. On my first visit to the vet, at the age of 8 weeks, I experienced my first insight into the oddities of the human mind.

The vet was a lovely lady who picked me up, cuddled me, cooed into my fur and told me I was beautiful. While I was lying basking in her adoration I overheard her telling my new humans that despite my cuteness I should never be treated like a baby. “Good advice,” I thought to myself. Then she spoiled it all by telling them that they must never give into my whims because I looked so cute. They were advised to take charge from the very beginning. At that moment it became my life’s work to show them the error of their ways.

Let it snow … no, make it stop

We live in Scotland and it’s February. 

I’m struggling for a number of reasons. First of all it has been snowing – a lot. Last week the snow outside our apartment went up to my shoulders. I’m not a young dog, in fact in human years I’m in my late 70s and I can tell you that this state of affairs represented a serious challenge. Imagine if you had to go outside to the toilet in temperatures of minus 5c and your bare bum was buried in snow?

The other day I discovered something very troubling. When standing on three legs almost buried in snow in order to pee the aforesaid warm liquid melts the snow rendering it unstable. Falling over into your own pee is not a laughing matter although the humans in this outfit seemed to find it hilarious. I should also mention that Poppy sidled up beside me and whispered “You need to learn to pee like a girl” and went off sniggering. Anyone who has been in a family where the youngest one gets away with everything will understand my pain. I only bit her ear – the telling off I suffered was completely unfair. I also didn’t get my post walk biscuit.

To take us out for our morning walk, the humans put coats on us. I know they are being kind but these things don’t help. When you are struggling your way through snow that is up to your shoulders it goes down the front of the coat and melts. This is unspeakably uncomfortable. They then make it worse by stopping to talk to people in the car park. I was shivering for ages one morning and had to whimper to get anyone to notice that I was very nearly frozen to the ground.

So, now I’ve got my complaints off my chest I’ll give you the skinny on what’s going on in this house. Don’t get too excited. Trust me.  Last week the humans painted the kitchen cabinets with some posh paint.

It was no fun for Poppy and me because we were banned from going near the cupboards and had to sit on the sidelines waiting to see what treats we might get for being well behaved. I discovered a wonderful trick, quite by accident. If I moan enough when they are busy doing something important they give us proper chews that last for ages to keep us quiet. I must file that trick away for future use. Apparently the kitchen looks great. Frankly I don’t care because my food and treats are kept in another cupboard beside the dining table. Other things are kept in my cupboard too but I get excited when anyone goes near it and dash over to try my luck. Apparently I’m putting weight on but so are they so I don’t see why it’s only my biscuits that stay firmly out of reach.

I’ve noticed that the humans can get a bit restless. These new rules that stop them meeting up with family and friends or going out for lunch and the weather that stops them from playing golf or going for long walks is causing them to get something they call Cabin Fever.

Poppy and I know what to do about this but they don’t seem willing to learn from us. The trick is to find a warm spot, curl into a ball and sleep for hours. Poppy does this even better than me but that’s because she isn’t in charge. I’m the top dog around here so I have to keep one ear and one eye awake in case anyone walks within 50 yards, anything gets delivered or a crow flies past the windows. I loudly and confidently alert everyone to the danger as I’m supposed to but absolutely no-one likes it. Sometimes I even get sent through to the hallway with the door shut. I am so not appreciated around here.

To keep in touch with other humans my housemates do this thing called Zoom when they talk to other people that we can hear but can’t see. The humans can obviously see one another because they brush their hair before they go on the Zoom thing. They have stopped doing that at any other time and to be honest they are pretty scruffy these days. Anyway, back to this Zoom thing. I hate it because when I hear one of them callout “Hello!” in an excited voice I always think that a stranger is approaching and I start barking to protect everyone. I then get put out of the room again. When I do get back into the room I sometimes hear my other human loves calling my name but I can’t get to them. This hurts. Where are all the other humans I love these days? They talk about lockdown and I understand from their voices that it makes them sad too. Sometimes life is so hard ….